I am sitting in my room at my computer dressed in my lingerie. I am but a simple cross-dresser who used to be passable and had thoughts of “the change.” I had remembered talking to a cousin who made the change and how good he looked as a girl and the stories of, shall I say — debauchery — those stories of sexual indulgence with men.

I think back to a time where after having drinks with a male friend, having him lay on top of me, as if I was a girl. How it got me so bad, that I gave my body to him sexually. That feeling of him taking my anal-cherry, as if I was one of those girls and then hearing him moan and pause just before he shoved deep inside me and let loose.

It was like I felt this feminine spirit take over. I had always believed we had more then one spirit but this was like some sort of slut. I found I had what I would call female gifts — such as sucking dick — I remember the times I sucked and at some point even dressed as a girl. Then there was the time this man wanted me to be his gurl on the side and told me when I was with him would be dressed and feminine.

He even wanted to fuck me and every time I sucked him. I felt the heat below, but couldn’t get him into me. One day we were to meet and I found myself doing something strange as I called out to my spirits and asked for help as I wanted him so badly. I had tried this trick as I thought how a woman was wet inside when she got horny and so took a syringe and shot lube inside my ass and tried a toy. It was like having a wet pussy as the toy slipped in and I felt this hot feeling.

He called and I asked for help from my spirit guide as I called her and went to meet him. I got there and put on my things and bad make up as well. He put on a gay porn video and then shemale one as we had drinks and talked about my future as a gurl. He told me I looked good as a girl and if I had small boobs, oh my. He pulled out a blunt and asked if I minded and if I ever did pot.

I told him last time was with a female friend and got so horny so unsure how would hit me if I was the female. So we sat and did it and it hit me. I told him I felt like a slut and he told me not to be shy. I told him about the trick and went into his bathroom and shot lube inside. I came back to see him hitting the joint and stroking. I took one more hit and dropped to my knees.

He was so excited but did not want to waste it again and wanted to fill me. I stood up and turned and he slid a finger into my wet hole and said it felt like a wet pussy as he guided me down. I felt his head pop into me and that spirit took over as I felt feminine and slid down onto him. He reached around to massage my chest which made me want tits as I rode him like a whore.

He exploded and I felt whole except for the fact my other side was telling me this was sin, but boy was it fun. I was ready to be at least a part time girl. But as we started to plan he got called away for his job, and I could not just pick up and leave. I went to a dark place as that act had me wanting more. I started to buy hormones online figuring the would make me more feminine and though not quickly did.

I seemed to get in touch with what was later deemed my shadow side. I met another man online who wanted what he called a side piece. It was so wrong but so erotic a thought. I could feel that act again. I was shopping after he said could help make me feminine and bought lingerie. It was complete with corset and garter and even bought heels that was all white.

I called it my honeymoon outfit. I met him at his place and it did not take long as he told me to put it on. He was a spiritual person and said he would tap into that side and he handed me a drink. He told me I needed to let go and he had weed. I told him what happened last time dressed with weed and he said he had to see what I had in me.

After we smoked be lay down and told me to mount him. No oral as he was going to fuck me for a while. I felt it as I sat and from there we went for hours. He fucked me in various positions and came over and over to a point he had me clean out so we could start again. When he was through with me I needed it so bad.

I now sit at my computer older and chubby but with my small boobs and still have feminine attributes. I have used hypnosis and even some dark means to bring out that shadow self. Due to having a stroke I was even told I may have a split personality as through trauma the mind sometimes finds an outlet to a safe place. Seems my so called safe place was becoming that slutty femme.

But that one has needs and I started to try and find support. Oddly enough through someone on a site that deals with fetishes I found a friend who has this support group. They do online meetings and while not all, some have the feminine split, as they call it. They talk about following a higher purpose while not actually saying God as it can be offensive in this world now. But we talk about the sexual side of things and sodomy.

There is one person there like me who has taken an interest. We do the meetings and then talk on the side as he or she or they tell me they disagree with some of the groups philosophies. They tell me we are not too far and they are part of a spiritual group. We do the meetings as our boring male sides and ye when we talk privately we are feminine. She tells me her name is Lilith and yes that one but not to worry as she took it as kind of a slap in the face of the world who says it is sin.

We start to talk about sodomy and the use of drugs as it helps relax. She tells me the world tries to make us feel bad and there is one more drug that helps open up spiritually. She knows about how I am as far as superstitions and signs. She asks if I still have those urges even as a girl to want to fuck. She also knows I cum quickly and says this will help and even make it where I cum multiple times.

She tells me it is called Tina a d appropriate female name and that they also call it going in the clouds and that we believe heaven is in the clouds so we would be going to heaven. She then tells me she is going to give me a prayer to recite but do it with poppers and see what happens after a week or so. She then makes a remark I heard when using hypnosis as she says to do it for two weeks so it will have time to work. But it is is Latin or Greek or something but I do it.

It has been two weeks and I am starting to feel my shadow side take over. I have even had it calling out to the darkness and some evil spirits. When we talk I tell her not only how it has taken over but I we, as in my other side and I have gotten stronger hormones and bought a breast enlargement pump. I have even gotten a bigger dildo known as the demon dick. She tells me to give it two more weeks as she will be closer to me at a ceremony that she wants to invite me to as my shadow self. She tells me not to hold back even with the big dildo.

It is now a month in and my moobs, now boobs are grown more due to the stretching and all and my now asshole or anal vagina is slightly gaped from the demon. She gets online and it is some sort of dark holiday as she tells me we are on for the next night for the ceremony that will help free me. I tell her I had bought some sort of goth outfit complete with dark make up and the demon is making me horny for the real thing.

I tell her it is like the old scene where you have an angel on one shoulder and well, you know. She asks what they say and I tell her the angel says I am a male while the demon tells me I am who I want to be. Then the demon tells me to indulge with men and enjoy my new pussy while the angel tells me it is sodomy and a sin. The last part has to do with drugs as they will take me to a bad place.

She asks my thoughts and I tell her I want to feel feminine and she tells me she is coming to pick me up and then another like us to take to the ceremony. She gets me a d we go to the other persons place and right out of a movie her name is Eve, go figure. We get there and they help me dress and then we light candles in a circle and kneel and pray.

We have a drink and partake in some sort of wafer as if communion. Lilith leads the prayer as we partake and in that same language. I am given a smaller portion for some reason and right way the wine and wafer hit me. I ask about it and the prayer as my feminine side takes over. I am told it was LSD and the prayer was to give control to my shadow.

I start to trip but can still function as we go to the ceremony. It is us three and a slew of man there dressed in robes. The room is set up with candles and eerie music and there are what seems to be two small alters with mattresses set up and the room is kind of cloudy. We are given a drink and then guided to a bong set up on an alter.

Seems Eve knows what is going on as she moves quickly to the bong and hits it. She blows a big cloud and then my turn. I hit it and feel strange and now am getting horny. The men stand around and begin to chant as Lilith takes a big hit. She starts to talk about the sacred sodomization as she guides us to the circle.