Regretting Being a Christian in the Past by Evelyn Sterling

Regretting Being a Christian in the Past

Before anything else, remember this: everything written here comes from my own experiences, personal beliefs, and the studies I’ve done throughout my journey. It is not absolute truth, nor is it meant to tell you what you must believe. One of the greatest lessons I’ve found within Satanism is the importance of thinking for yourself. Question everything. Learn from multiple sources. Challenge your own beliefs, and come to your own conclusions rather than simply accepting someone else’s.

I’m Evelyn Sterling, a Theistic Satanist, and I once lived a deeply devoted Christian life. Looking back, I regret that chapter of my life.

I don’t say that because the church itself caused me extraordinary harm. Aside from the occasional whispers, judgmental glances, and feeling like I never truly fit in, my regret comes from something much more personal. I feel that my devotion consumed my youth. It kept me from experiences that many people look back on with nostalgia, laughter, and even a little embarrassment.

I was the stereotypical “good Christian girl.” While my classmates were going to parties, hanging out with friends, making harmless mistakes, and discovering who they were, I was reading my Bible to teachers, preaching to people who never asked to hear it,shaming myself for who i was and believing that every spare moment should be dedicated to God.

While other kids spent spare time playing games, I sat reading scripture. While my friends made plans after school, I attended Wednesday night youth services. I watched many of the other church kids quietly live double lives. During church events, the girls would gather together, whisper about the boys they liked, laugh, tell secrets, and simply enjoy being teenagers. I remember feeling shocked by those conversations. I would interrupt them and remind them that it wasn’t what we were taught, believing I was doing the right thing.

Eventually, they stopped inviting me.

They all exchanged phone numbers. I wasn’t allowed to have one. They would slip away together to the church bathroom just to talk privately, and whenever I walked in, the conversations would immediately stop. The silence hurt more than words ever could.

I remember praying over and over, begging God to make the bullying stop. I cried, waited, hoped, and believed He would answer.

For me, He never did.

At school I was called “Jesus Freak.” Some classmates mocked me by calling me “the Virgin Mary.” Those words stayed with me far longer than I wish they had. Even now, as an adult, I still find myself trying to untangle habits, fears, and ways of thinking that I developed during that time.

If someone young somehow finds this blog, I want to be clear that I’m not encouraging reckless behavior or choices that harm yourself or others. What I am saying is this:

You deserve to live your youth.

You deserve to laugh until your stomach hurts, to make age-appropriate mistakes, to learn from them, to discover who you are, and to create memories that belong to you instead of living in constant fear that every imperfect decision makes you unworthy.

And to those who, like me, feel they lost years of their childhood or teenage life because they believed they always had to be perfect for God, I want you to know that I see you. You’re not alone in carrying those feelings. Grieving lost experiences is real, and it’s okay to acknowledge that grief.

If you grew up being shamed by religion simply for acting your age, I’m sorry you experienced that. Every young person deserves the chance to grow, mature, stumble, and learn without carrying constant fear or shame.

These experiences are one of the reasons I ultimately chose the path of Theistic Satanism. Through my own beliefs and experiences, I found a spiritual path that felt more accepting of individuality and personal growth.

Sometimes I think about the little girl I used to be.

The girl who believed she had to be perfect.

The girl who spent so much time worrying about heaven that she forgot to simply be a child.

If I could speak to her today, I wouldn’t tell her to be perfect.

I’d tell her to go laugh with her friends, make memories, stop carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and allow herself to simply be young and stop being afraid.

You deserved that, little Evelyn.

You always did.

-Evelyn Sterling