Writer: Lovecraftsdeath
Subject: Ov The Darkness, I Was Born
Link: Tumblr / 10.11.2025
Ov The Darkness, I Was Born
I do not remember when it began, only that by the age of 11 I had felt her, comforting as a warm blanket on a freezing night. I suppose it’s really not surprising that a boy who suffered molestation, abuse, and incest should find the light unbearable. Hateful. Searing. And while some things should certainly be exposed, it’s difficult to hide from your abusers in the warm glow of day. Over time, my relationship with darkness changed, morphing into something entirely new.
While everyone else spoke of the “love of God” and the “peace brought by Jesus Christ”, and for the first time I tried to be his, but it seemed that all of those promises were empty. I felt only panic, nausea, shame, guilt… and I had thought that maybe I would finally be accepted by the others in my conservative Christian small town, but I wasn’t. I had never been. And it wasn’t as if I was dressed as a mall goth or any other alt aesthetic. My parents would have never allowed that. It would have “made them look bad.” No, there was just something implicit within me which pushed me to the margins regardless of my professed beliefs and behavior. It didn’t matter that girls found me handsome or what my talents were. I was just different. My religiosity lasted all of a month.
I digress. She (the darkness) had become something more. I was so captivated by her sweet caress that I felt powerless (and still do) to resist her call. She gave me an erotic longing for pleasure, pain, blood, and death. I was hers, and she gave me the woman whom, by the Christian definition, I truly worship. Through violation and blood, I became hers (My now wife) with the blessing of the dark. Even during my two years in Catholicism, it was not the divine mercy or sacred heart which I devoted myself to, but Mento Mori and the “death cult” of the cross, which is very present within that most beautiful yet repressive form of Christianity (and really the most pure form of it).
If one believes in omens (and I do), then one may say that I was destined at my birth to be as I am. FOr one, the date of my graduation was 06/06/06, which at the time I simply found fitting while my classmates panicked (yes, I am well aware of the actual meaning of six three score and six), I have had multiple supernatural experiences, including things being thrown at me (after sex interestingly enough, so often it is after sex), the feeling of something being present as I walked alone through over grown southern forests, etc. I once created an Ouija board from cardboard with a friend who dabbled in the Occult, and though I didn’t believe anything would happen, it did in fact move when I asked. I freaked out and immediately stopped. And then there were the stars I was born beneath. If my friend did it correctly, then it appears that the stars were aligned in an inverted pentagram. I knew nothing of its associations with Baphomet at the time. The final instance I will mention here, and certainly the most dramatic, again has to do with sex.
There was an old children’s graveyard from the 19th century along a dirt road that led to a cliff where kids would often go to drink, fuck, and smoke pot. I had taken my girlfriend (now wife) to the cliff several times. It was still early days in our relationship, though, after she had performed her blood bond without my knowledge, and it was late. I do not know why I stopped at that spot, beside the bleak and neglected Graves of infants and children, but I did. It is worth noting that just past a thin line of trees, perhaps 15 meters away, the small “mountain” (it’s really just a rocky hill, but in the upstate it passes for a mountain) drops off into a deep hollow through which a wide creek flows. We had been fucking with great passion, and the car had gotten hot despite the late October night. The windows were fogged with condensation, and as we put our clothes back on, that’s when we heard it. A toneless base which throbbed in our skulls. three beats. stop. Four beats. stop. over and over as the air cooled quickly despite the windows being up. By this time, the windows had cleared a good bit, and suddenly, without warning, something slammed into the side of my car, and then the other, again and again with such force that I assumed there must be dents and gashes being made in the car doors. It was like a fully grown buck in rut was attacking the car, doing its best to get in. Long story short, I leapt into the driver’s seat and got the hell out of there. There was no one there but us, and when I got out to check at a country store several miles away, there wasn’t a scratch on the car. I still wonder if there is something about sex itself or the orgasm which triggers these manifestations.
I apologize that once again I have gone on a tangent and overshared just to get to my point, which is that I do not think the dark is good or evil. I sometimes refer to it as a concept, or as a sort of divine (or diabolical) feminine, depending on the context. Certainly, she has seduced me as a woman could. At the end of the day, though, it just is. It is the unknown, the hidden, the occult… perhaps “the one”, I have not decided what to call him. Satan, The Dark Lord, Dark Father, etc, however, perhaps he, or his spirits (angels, demons, elves, etc), chooses certain of us. draw us into an unknown embrace. I don’t know. Maybe this is just narcissism speaking, or madness. For I have gone mad before.
Until my next meandering word vomit, which I hope isn’t too scattered, like, comment, message, etc.