Satan Asks … People To Start Considering Being Good People As Space Begins Running Out in Hell

Hell  — claiming that they just no longer have the space to continuously bring in the world’s worst people, Hell’s head evil spirit, Satan, has issued a rare public statement, urging humanity to not be so evil and actually consider being good for once as space begins to reportedly run out in Hell.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Satan said in a press briefing, “We love being the land of eternal suffering for the most wicked of people, but if people keep on being sent to Hell for their sins, at this rate there won’t be any room left. Overcrowding is already a major issue as an estimated thirty billion people call Hell their home, and if that number keeps on increasing at this rate, it’ll be an even bigger living hell. So we kindly ask for people to change their ways so they don’t end up in hell, as it makes things better for the rest of us.”

Despite Satan’s pleas, experts still speculate that Hell’s population will increase by nearly thirteen percent by the end of the year, with an expected twenty percent increase in five years.

“To be frank, people just aren’t going to change their ways,” said religious scholar Andrew Drainer, “There’s always going to be evil people in this world, and they’ll inevitably end up in Hell. It sucks for all the people living in Hell, but with no other place for these people to go to in the afterlife, there isn’t really any other option.”

Heaven, the eternal paradise where all the good go once they pass, has been repeatedly asked over the years to consider sharing space with Hell to provide more space on both sides, to which Heaven has consistently refused.

“Why would we want to share space with a place that provides nothing but pain and suffering?” Jesus Christ was quoted as asking, “If they’ve got overcrowding problems, then that isn’t our problem. Maybe the people in Hell should’ve thought about that before they went on to live a life of hate and vitriol.”

In response to this problem, Satan has gone on to ask for financial support from Russia, with hopes that they could help finance some much needed renovations for Hell.