Writer: Pastorbator
Subject: Vacillating Between Two Worlds
Link: LS666 Email & Tumblr / 05.02.2024 / Pastorbatorblog
About the Author: I am a Christian pastor who reached out to darkness and darkness reached back. Now it won’t let go, and I’m not sure anymore that I want it to.
Vacillating Between Two Worlds
As a Christian pastor who has become addicted to the dopamine rush of darkness (and it is a dopamine rush), I can’t decide which world I belong to.
On one hand, I have a significant history in the light. And when I’m in the light, I believe everything I’m saying and doing.
But on the other hand, the darkness feels like home when I’m falling into it. Hell, who am I kidding? When I leap into it!
Porn and masturbation have been “gateway drugs” for me, eventually leading me to satanic and blasphemy porn. And while everything holy in me screamed to stop when I was introduced to that, I embraced unholiness like I grabbed my cock to stroke it to heaven, or is it hell? I don’t know the difference anymore.
I love God. Or I did. No, I do. But to be honest my feelings about Satan are evolving. All I know is that when I speak his name as I masturbate, my mind fills with such beautiful and depraved images of forbidden fruit. And all I want to do is taste it … like Eve and Adam in the Garden.
I get why they did it now. That glorious blood rush between the legs. It’s irresistible. God fucking damn, it’s so good.
I too went back and forth for years. Part of me wanted to be “good” (or at least that is what I kept telling myself). However, Satan showed me truth and something that I never found until I learned to embrace the darkness. So I’ll save you a bunch of time and mental stress with 5 simple words…
Sin wins in the end
It’s a crazy ride, that’s for sure. I think, “Don’t do it. It’s not true. It’s not real.” Then after a time away I drop in “just to look,” and blood rushes to pleasurable places…
And I’m falling all over again.
Thank you for encouragement. The double life is a lonely life.
Dear Pastorbator, this is GarySix. You have helped me by admitting that you are a Pastor. I have not admiited that yet in all the time I’ve been on the site (at least I don’t recall doing so). In any case even doing that generates dopamine. I have only had two relationships with pastors that have been here. Both have retreated. I would love to share the dark satanic filth of deep blasphemy with you by email and see where it might go. Email me if you have interest. I am a pastor in a smaller New England church about 125 members. I have slowly and methodically fallen in love with Lucifer. His blasphemy filth is glorious.
I have tried to show this dark beauty in my blasphemy posts and graphoic altars. Petrhaps you have seen them.
We hooked up (or tried to) maybe a year ago. But we were having trouble coordinating our schedules. And one Sunday afternoon, you told me you had had an experience at church that made you rethink the blasphemy (not your exact words, but the idea). We both agreed that maybe it was best we didn’t continue, that maybe God was calling us both back to him.
Looks like we’ve both jumped back into the pit.
I have seen your posts lately. While I admit I am a pastor and have uttered thinks while masturbating that I still can’t believe I’ve said, you’re farther down that blasphemy path than I am.
My email is [email protected], if you want to reach out…
Hello Pastor,
As a regular church going man who also enjoys stroking my cock to satanic porn for years I understand your situation. Luckily Xp has created a wonderful support community for your journey. Keep stroking brother.
As fucked up as it is, I’m glad I’m not the only “regular church going man who also enjoys stroking my cock to satanic porn.” Thank you, my brother.
satan gave us the seed of lust which, once swallowed, took root and has now become a tree of forbidden and unholy pleasures.
That description is me! Thank you for articulating it.
For years, I’m like you, active in church, but secretly enjoying the seductive world of internet porn, and specially more un-christian-like, the satanic genre. there is just such a strong pull towards these “religious fetish theme” porn. One day, I just decided to be real to myself, and live the lifestyle i truely enjoy – and stop attending church all together. church service easily takes up an entire sunday morning, i can have so much fun instead siting in front of the pc, and be transported to the deepest, darkest part of my soul, and indulge in some self love, with no judgement at all.
As i read through posts like yours, from church workers/christians, i begin to wonder, is the church just a congregation of perverted men, putting on our clothes and pretending to be holy. In actual fact, we were dying to end the sermon, and dash home, strip naked, and go “Hail Satan”.
Maybe next time you stand at the pulpit, performing your role, look at all the men sitted there, let us know if you can see many of them jerking off so furiously to some satanic porn as well.
Fabulous observation … thank you … XP
The truth is, we’ll never know, right? And over the years of writing, and posting perverted and blasphemous erotic horror, I find there are so many of us — that face this double life of good on the outside and evil on the inside — that I could easily imagine an entire congregation, not only of men but women, who cannot wait for the whole sermon to finish, so that can indulge in their privacy (seeking dark porn and perverted excitement).
As this has been such an extended theme in my own life, it has been easy to write about it in countless stories of the “fall from grace” or “that secret place” or “letting go of morality” … is it that we’re all fundamentally evil and twisted, whilst wearing a mask of civility?