Feature Writer: Unknown

Feature Title: PRIESTS NEED SEX, TOO

Story Codes: Religious, Priests

Priests need sex, too.

As an active Boston-based Catholic priest, we feel compelled to call for otherwise tolerant churchgoers to allow ordained prelates such as ourselves the right to a little carnal release now and again.

If our time in the confessional booth is a barometer, most parishioners have sex on the Saturday evening before they piously show up in the church pews the following Sunday morning. Are not those of the cloth entitled to similar enjoyment? Since many of us priests are not widely experienced in matters of the flesh, it is more natural that we select youngsters and preteens that are on the same awkward sexual footing as ourselves. Call it a mutual learning experience.

Plus, it really isn’t fair to say that humans who are not yet of biological maturity to reproduce are technically having sex. This means that charges of priestly pedophilia are impossible according to the laws of nature. If we as priests have sex with a six-year-old girl (and we are speaking hypothetically, Mr. FBI Agent!), it is not sexual in nature because the child is not orgasmically aware at that nubile age. The budding of young per-adolescent female breasts was a sign in the time of the Pharaoh that it is time to “break in” a girl. That is all we are doing.

The laity is comprised largely of naïve and intolerant simpletons when it comes to passing judgment on ministerial copulation. Just because you listen to our sermons and drop a dollar or two in the offering plate does not mean you have a right to say whether or not we can give an alter boy his first unsolicited erection.

Granted that in our twenty-five years as a priest, we have not yet made it entirely through the old and new testaments. But we have skimmed enough of this difficult and long-winded book to know that there is more sex on five pages of Kings I than in a year’s worth of the “Jerry Springer Show.”

The bible clearly shows that the laying on of hands can be liberally interpreted to include fondling, clitoral manipulation – even penetration. As strange as it may sound, biblical scholars such as us understand that the bible actually sanctions introducing tots to the love expressed in the psalms through expression that is both sexual and masturbatory.

In closing, please do not deny priests such as us a bit of joy. Do you think it is easy to avoid feelings of sexual lust while marrying all those virginal brides? While doing duty in the confessional, could you resist becoming erotically aroused after hearing story after story of unsavory extramarital sex?

When you hell-bound sinners stop pursing your own illicit orgasms–that’s when we’ll stop fondling your altar boy sons.

THE END