How To Give Satan A Blowjob – Non-Fiction

How To Give Satan A Blowjob

1. Kneel before your Dark Lord. Embrace this profound act of worship in a submissive posture beneath his massive cock. As you wait for him to draw near, build up saliva in your mouth and let it fall past your lips so that you appear a needy, drooling sub-beast. He likes that.
2. Judas Snog. Caress the Satanic shaft with your tongue using tiny flicks and affectionate kisses. Tip: The frenulum is his unholy activation spot, and will get him hard almost immediately. Take a moment to linger here. Savor the smell and taste of the Abomination of Desolation as the rare treat it is for one such as yourself. Enthusiastically proclaim, “Hail Satan!” with each full lick along his diabolical Rod.
3. Wait upon Him. Don’t try to top from the bottom. With your eyes cast downward, simply ask, “May I offer you my mouth, O Infernal Master?” He will let you know when he is ready for you to begin sucking. Tip: Do not take him into your mouth while he is still soft! It may seem intimate, but many supplicants have choked to death when he expanded into their throats with his fully erect Basilisk.
4. It’s okay to feel intimidated. This is Lord Satan, after all. If it helps, practice giving many, many – many blowjobs beforehand, so that fellatio becomes second nature to you. Blow your friend’s dad and, if still living, one or both of her granddads. Blow that creepy custodian where you work. If you’re a male, look into the directory of your local diocese and work your way through the clergy. It helps to have some order to this, like by age, parish location, or simply alphabetically. Unfortunately, women are often still barred from this practice. I know, even now, with such low attendance, the catholic church remains unbelievably sexist.
5. What teeth? The Angel of Darkness does not like the feel of teeth on his red johnson. Fortunately, within the first few moments, all of your teeth will either be knocked down your throat or worn to the gums by his powerful thrusts. Consider it the equivalent to an angel, “Getting its wings,” but for Satanic cocksuckers.
6. Eye-dolatry. if you stare at Satan long enough, you will enter into an accursed trance, so be sure to avert your gaze from time to time. If you begin to see signs of the apocalypse, such as burning rivers, stars falling from the sky, a plague where there shouldn’t be one, or any one of the Four Horsemen, etc. Look away immediately. Your retinas will thank you for it. On a related note, never question any paradoxes you may encounter, such as why Satan’s cock can fit all the way into your mouth, but you can’t even come close to wrapping your hands around the base of the shaft. It just is. Keep your focus, whore.
7. Find an unholy rhythm. Don’t stop once you’ve found just the right flow, with your mouth puckered as if you were about to say the word, “Pestilence,” forming a tight seal around his mighty Leviathan. Verily, don’t break that seal if you still wish to count yourself among the living at daybreak.
8. The Sound of Lust. Moan with enthusiasm to show the Dark Prince how much you enjoy pleasuring him. This helps him get into the right mental space. Tip: Do not fake moaning. He will know. An entire circle of hell is dedicated to people who, “Faked it” during intimate encounters with the Father of Lies. Their punishment is to constantly be disappointed just as they are about to escape the circle. Pure hell. Side Note: By contrast, Satan sometimes chooses to remain silent while receiving a blowjob. This does not in any way, however, mean he is not enjoying the experience with you.
9. Grabass. If ever there was an ass created for grabbing —  so goes the legend —- it was Satan’s. Go for it. Really get in there. Use those cheeks like handles to better position yourself around his incendiary Chode. Just don’t stick anything into his rectum that you don’t want to lose forever. Like forever forever. Side Note: Satan often keeps his chambers open, in case any demon wants to drop by and talk shop. One or three demons may ask to join in your scene, and fashion it a pop-up orgy. Satan may ask for your opinion, so just know that a, “Spit-roast,” is exactly what you think it is.
10. Tongue action. Your tongue may fork at some point during the blowjob. This is normal, as the Immortal Adversary likes, “The feel.” Tip: Use your newly bifurcated tongue to your advantage! To wit, now both of his monstrous, musky balls can receive simultaneous devotion.
11. Deep throat? A Satanic fav, so be forewarned. It may feel like you head is being impaled on a fiery staff, but that is because your head is being impaled on a fiery staff. Tip: Your best move here, should he desire this, is to approximate unhinging your jaw like a snake. Otherwise, the Evil One will do it for you which, tbh, is not pleasant. But as we relish in pain as a gift from Satan, consider this the biggest gift you’ve ever gotten from him (so far).
12. Advanced Technique: Face-Fucking. This may well be your last mortal act, but at least you will have an enormous, gaping smile on what’s left of your face. Of course, such a condition opens the avenue, so to speak, to the practice of, “Skull-Fucking,” — for which, it is told from ages past, Satan’s Spawn the Antichrist holds a particular fondness.
13. End Times. Don’t let Satan’s, “Little death” be your own, “Big one,” as Redd Foxx used to say. Your only hope to escape the lava-like eruption of sulfuric cum that is Satan’s climax is to listen for a tiny, high-pitched moan, like a thousand bats fucking another thousand bats in an enormous, resonant cave underneath Teatro alla Scala. That’s your cue to pull back. Yes, get some cum on your lips. Let it dribble onto your chest, but leave it at that. Fun fact: The Devil’s Seed usually tastes slightly salty and metallic, but it depends on what he had to eat earlier in the epoch. Tropical hedonists will sweeten his cum, while charred heretics leave a distinctly smokey flavor. Side Note: The Evil One, Master of all Darkness, does not always reach climax during a blowjob. He works hard and has more stress than you can possibly imagine. This is perfectly normal. (It’s called a, “Fallen Star,” btw, but you didn’t hear it from me).