From Abstinence to Blasphemy by Nikki – Non-Fiction

Not long ago I managed to abstain from masturbation for about two weeks. A long time for me as I usually touch myself every day. I did have impure thoughts many times during those two weeks though. But I managed to ban them with prayer and reading of scripture.

Confíteor Deo omnipoténti et beátae Maríae semper Vírgini, quia peccavi nimis cogitatióne. Mea culpa!  [I confess to almighty God and to blessed Mary ever Virgin, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought. My fault!]

I am not sure what I hoped to gain. Many times I had looked in the mirror at my naked body. I imagined to be the Virgin Mary, untouched, undefiled, not even by my own hands. I thought of the life in a convent. With holy sisters, prudish, obedient and submissive to the Lord. Thoughts of wild all female debaucheries would pollute my mind at times and I had turn to prayer in penitence in order to drive out those thoughts. But all the while I noticed something building inside of me. As if demons where preparing a feast. Well, they were.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places — Ephesians 6:12

Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first — Matthew 12:44-45

Like a magma chamber, building up its pressure underneath a volcano. Unbeknownst to the people living on its slopes a terrible eruption is looming. I knew it was coming. That Friday night I felt it burning inside. I tried to ignore it, prepared my dinner as usual, but I caught myself touching my crotch without thinking several times. As I was eating and watching the news at the same time, I felt my nipples erect. It felt good. My pussy was wet, I could feel it. Should I call my fuck buddy, ‘the priest’? No! I could handle it. I thought … I turned off the TV and turned on some sacred music, and I cleaned the dish, pan and cutlery. The sacred music was well meant, but turned me on even more. “O holy Virgin forgive me, my cunt is burning!” That thought was the first fiery piece of lava, beginning the eruption. My defense was coming down.

And they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them — Ezekiel 23:17 ^b

I couldn’t hold any longer. I ran to my bedroom, undressed and fell on my bed. My fingers ran through my slit. I was soaking wet. The touch of my swollen clit sent electricity straight from my clit to my brain. It caused a short circuit of sorts. Something snapped. I began rubbing myself harder. “Oh blessed fucking virgin, I want to lick your eternally holy cunt.” The profanity was totally beyond myself and even recording it here makes me feel ashamed and tremble. In my mind I was engaged in a wild lesbian 69 game with the Eternal Virgin. While I was sticking my tongue deep into her asshole I was offering her the filthiness of my abominable cunt, pressing it hard in her face. “Drink my cup of whoredoms eternal slut!” The more profane and sacrilege language I was uttering, the more aroused I got. “I will piss in your sacred virgin face, blessed whore, drink it!!”

I took a Virgin Mary statuette from my bedside table and rubbed it against my wet pussy. “Fuck me virgin slut, fuck me.” It was a similar statuette with which I took my own virginity almost thirty years ago. Now it slipped inside my sloppy wet pussy without any resistance. “Oh yes eternal fucking virgin slut, fuck my aching cunt!!” I was beyond control. My mind ran wild and in my fantasy I was at the cross, making out with Mother Mary and the other women. The filthy and blasphemous thoughts kept coming, and I couldn’t help myself.

She multiplied her whoredoms — Ezekiel 23:19a

“let your son fuck me in my ass!” as soon as I uttered these abominable and blasphemous words I had an orgasm like I hadn’t had for a long time. I screamed loud ”my fucking virgin Mary slut, I am cumming!!!” I squirted massively and was racing on the waves of this orgasm for minutes until it finally died down.

And shall leave thee naked and bare: and the nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms — Ezekiel 23:29b

Minutes I was laying there, the Mary statuette still clinched between my thighs, my bed was all wet from squirting, and I had been pissing too. Feeling a joyful satisfaction. And at the same time I felt tears well in my eyes. I had once more given in to the flesh, I had enjoyed it. I had blasphemed my Lord and the Blessed Virgin. I had had an orgasm like never before. Now it was time for penitence. I placed the soaked and slime covered statuette back on the bedside table. I drew off all the bedsheets and fumbled them up in my arms as I walked to the bathroom. There I dumped the wet bunch in the laundry basket. I took a shower and walked to the kitchen, still naked. I grabbed the rice pot and took my Rosary from the table as I walked to my prayer space. It has a tiled floor, no rugs. Now I opened the rice pot and scattered a good amount of dry rice on the tiles. I put the pot aside and knelt down with my bare knees on the rice. It hurt as the rice grains were pressed into the skin of my knees. I deserved it!

I began to pray.

“Ave, Maria, gracia plena, Dóminus tecum,; benedícta tu in muliéribus, et benedíctus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.” Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. “Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro me peccatór, nunc et in hora mortis mea.” Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for me sinner, now and at the hour of my death.

The rice grains were causing maximum pain as they began to press deeper in my skin. I had so deserved it! I was eating the pain.

“Confíteor Deo omnipoténti, beáte Maríae Vírgini, quia peccavi nimis cogitateóne, verbo et ópere: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa.” I confess to almighty God, to blessed Mary ever Virgin, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word and deed, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault. “Ideo precor beátam Maríam semper Vírginem, oráre pre me ad Dóminum, Deum nostrum.” Therefore, I beseech blessed Mary ever Virgin, to pray for me to the Lord our God.

I kept repeating my prayers for a long time. Tears rolling over my cheeks. I felt truly sorry. But would I not do it again in the future? I guess that I was just ‘sweeping and garnishing the house’ …