Divorced. Dumped. Undesirable. by Meditating Dock Dweller

“I’m 34, divorced, have two kids. No decent guy is interested in me, except for sex. Not one!”

I sat through church today, in my husband’s study, listening to a young divorcee who attends our church as she shared her issues. I won’t fill in all the details except to share the following which shares the reason I write this article — It’s heartrending and all too the average these days — this ongoing saga of women who divorce because they think they can trade up when it comes to husbands, only to find themselves divorced, dumped and undesirable.

Unfortunately, her circumstances aren’t helpful. They don’t help her situation. Maybe I shouldn’t share this but I will because I can think through what she’s shared with me — I feel led to do this after contemplating while fingering the tiny pentagram on my charm bracelet.

How to write this:

Why is it that married women today buy into the prevailing hype that husbands are like automobiles and it’s okay to trade up? Straying and playing is one thing. However, deciding you’re going to follow the advice of women around you, who are sharing that you can do better, when it comes to a spouse, when there are no real issues in the marriage isn’t wise and we women should know that.

All one has to do is go online and read. Yet, it happens again and again. I compare it to a single girl dating a married man who promises to divorce his wife — it continually happens, despite everyone knowing the truth. We just want to believe “it won’t happen to me” or whatever other reasons we give.

Consider this situation as I understand it:

The wife decided she wanted to trade up because he wasn’t measuring up, to what he should have, or he could be, if he tried so she told her husband after a while she didn’t love him anymore. The real reason was she felt she could do better — a sort of grass is a greener fantasy. Some men hit on her and she even flirted.

They seemed to be interested and certainly gave that impression. She even had a brief fling (sex) though she didn’t share all the details. She used the word “fling”. She filed for divorce, though he begged her not to do so. It wasn’t easy or pretty because she exaggerated all his faults, foibles, and deepest secrets against him openly. After all, he didn’t want the divorce.

She shared how much she now regrets what she did and how, at first, she didn’t grasp how much it would hurt him. The entire mess changed him. And everyone. She pretty much got it all, she shared a house, car, full custody of the children, alimony, child support, savings and whatever money was in the bank. The sad thing, for her, was when the decree was final he walked up and handed her a check, told her the alimony and child support would be handled by his attorneys and that the kids were hers, lock, stock and barrel.

She had led everyone to believe he was a bad father and her family had agreed, he would be out of her and the children’s life. She shared, that she laughed, believing and was told by others that he would get over it. She was then silent, saying “I was wrong” — but it wasn’t the crux of her “problem”. I would say “It is and it isn’t.”

Her issue is what she calls “decent men” don’t want to date her or have anything to do with her. The reason she was at church was the evening before a guy she had been dating off and on told her that he wasn’t interested in marrying her.

She wanted to know why and he asked her if she wanted him to be honest about it. She said yes, she did. So he did. Why should he? He wasn’t going to risk his future with her because she would simply turn around and divorce him and try to take him for what she could. He wouldn’t and couldn’t risk it. He went so far as to gauge how long he could date and bed her before she “might get really serious” and she might try to baby trap him or something similar.

Alcohol oils the tongue and that was a reason she gave for the guy telling her all this and being so blunt. Drunk or near to it, he went on to tell her that no thinking man would want her anyway. She was fun to be with — pleasing to the eye and good in bed — but nothing more serious. Besides, her ex, the unlucky stiff (her phrase quoting her man of the moment and that would shortly be a good way to describe her ex) was already supporting her and had provided for her, didn’t he?

While what he said hit her “like a sledgehammer”, she realized that what he said was true. She was selfish. She did, in effect, destroy her family only to discover that trading up, which she understood would be easy to do, wasn’t. Dating and sleeping around wasn’t the problem. A truly serious relationship was. Because when it came down to that — there was no new Mr. Right even on the distant horizon.

What could I say to her? Other than I listened and guided the conversation I won’t tell you except to say we prayed together. When I do and mention “the Lord”, I mean the Dark Lord but she wasn’t aware of that. I did tell her we could talk again. I asked her if she had friends who supported her. Here, she was apprehensive, and said “Yes” but admitted they were the ones who supported her getting a spousal upgrade — “the man you truly deserve” who now is beyond her reach. She isn’t happy, she said, regretting the divorce and what happened to her husband — he walked away from her and everyone. She couldn’t blame him, she told me. Not after what had happened.

Why are men today not willing to be interested in marriage or even a serious relationship with her? I’m sure it can take a while for “this to shall pass”. However, I told her what she already knew — She is a divorcee with children and while there will be those who try to “match-make” on her behalf, it won’t be easy because of her “reputation”. Many men aren’t interested in ready-made families.

Then it’s not just the divorce but what all happened to make it happen. I’m talking about the “reputation” she gained because of what she did, how it was handled and what was said as well as the result. Sadly, she finally admitted what I already knew — she hadn’t told me the worst of it even though her problem was no decent man wanted to be with her.

Someone thinking it was going to help the situation had, in the course of the divorce, etc, insinuated he was a “very bad dad”. She said nothing when it was said, wanting the decree. She shared she will be receiving the last of the child support and alimony from his attorneys in the form of a life insurance payout because he had a terrible “accident” recently. There was no note but, she told me it was believed by too many that it was her fault — Her ex had become withdrawn and trusted no one.

Through tears, she said he drove into a huge oak tree at over ninety miles an hour. He left a will specifically leaving her and the children nothing except the life insurance and, she shared, left instructions to have his body cremated and no funeral or service because he wanted nothing to do with her or the children in death. This is all so, well, cold.

I share this because I am all the time seeing that men today aren’t like my husband and I have to wonder how he would react if I did the same to him. I don’t think about that. Maybe I shouldn’t even be sharing about this now. But it would be dishonest if I didn’t. Men are rejecting her because she is “damaged goods”. There are many divorced women out there who deserve to be divorced or divorce.

Not all marriages are made in heaven and often couples who are deep in lust marry. I believe that is why the Christian Almighty allowed for a “bill of divorcement” as it’s described there. All one had to do was sit down and write it out. No lawyers, no courts. The document sufficed. Not like today where circumstances had to be constructed to secure what was obtained.

Maybe in a way, today the Dark Lord had, in some way, guided her to me so that she could express something of her “real me” when she opened up as she did. I did ask if she was seeing a professional therapist. She told me she was doing so but needed someone to just hear her out without an opinion. She finally admitted she needed just to have God listen to her. But she wanted someone physical to hear her out. I did — and told her to call me anytime but I don’t think she will. I can’t say why I feel that way.

Feeling rejected isn’t easy. Neither is karma. There is the biblical parallel: We reap what we sow. As it was said, “The grass is greener. The problem is it’s over a septic tank. She told me she feels both — rejected and what she did has come back on her.

So you know, she has started labelling herself a widow rather than formerly married. It sounds better. The problem is she knows she can’t hide that from anyone if she seeks to achieve her desire.

There will be or should be someone out there for her. I have to believe that. For one reason there won’t be an ex in existence who may suddenly appear out of the woodwork, etc — often an issue in remarriages and blended families. I witness this all the time- How am I aware? I am involved with women in our church and elsewhere. Women talk. And when one is at a women’s retreat, one can learn quite a bit.

I can share more but won’t. My focus here is to point out that men today walk away from or avoid relationships with women more and more for any number of reasons — We don’t like it but some men will say it isn’t worth it anymore. Young men have shared that women can be “dangerous”. A simple threat can ruin a man’s prospects, and their lives even if it isn’t meant to be serious or is a joke. I’m talking with my daughter about this very thing — tonight.

Feminists all the time say they don’t need a husband to have children. While that is true, what is being missed in that equation? I’m not talking about a male figure in the family. I’m speaking to “deeper aspects” — Despite saying women are as good as men, are we? I won’t go there either. Women and men are attracted to each other all the time. Why? Then there is the fact there are now more women than men in our population. What does that mean?

It comes to mind as I write this: It’s easier for a woman to find sex if she is seeking it. But it’s harder for her to find another husband if she is divorced, especially when we’re older.

It is time for me to end this because it’s getting too long. Forgive the flaws. Forgive the rambling. The illustration is one I have chosen at random from the web — my usual practice. I may end up removing this. I don’t know. In the past I have always shared that one should consider the implications and impact of our actions when we make decisions — we have to face them — and how we do so reveals a lot about our “real me”. This is one of those articles where, for me at least, I will read it over and over. Ave Obscurum Dominum.