Confessions from the Pastor

It has been quite awhile since I wrote anything of length on here. We’ll see if anyone reads this, but I hope some will. In mid-February, I wrote a long post called …

“An Ode to My Lost Battle with Lust”

In it, I admitted defeat and expressed true longing and desire to go deeper into my depravity. This post is meant to share where I stand in that journey.

When the Coronavirus hit, I took a break from all this. I literally did not even look at porn for over 3 weeks (nearly 4). No masturbation. No websites. Nothing. I decided to take the chance to dive into my work very deeply, because I was still working, but how the work was done was very different. It paid off, and our congregation has come through this—so far—very well, and I have maintained my work to a degree of excellence.

That said, once I got my new work schedule down, I came back to porn, slowly at first. I didn’t even come on Tumblr for some time, because I basically wanted to add one thing at a time. A few pictures. A private chat. Slowly getting back in, while maintaining some level of control.

It is now late May. The control is gone. Lust has me, and I love it. I love my lust; in fact, I am here today to confess more to you readers. Here are four confessions from the lust-filled pastor at this point in my journey:

1. I confess that literally every day I think more about dressing in women’s clothing. The sexier, sluttier, naughtier, and dirtier, the better. Every single day that desire grows; in part, because there is no way to do it for me right now, but also because of the power of porn. What I would wear is nearly limitless at this point, and the thought of dressing dominates my thinking on a regular, daily basis.
2. I confess that I now think about acting like a woman and being with men more every single day. I still love women (a lot), but the more I get back into porn, the more I get jealous—at times, deeply jealous—of the girls and want to be just like them and see what it is like to have a real, strong, alpha male just destroy me. Porn stars like Bridgette B and Nicolette Shea have become more than just objects of my lust; they have become icons that I desire to be like in attitude, dress, and (dare I say) reward.
3. I confess that I now have an online sexual master. He knows who he is, and he will likely see this. I love chatting with others and interacting with others (including several of you who will read this), but I am helpless to his sexual ownership. He is molding me into a filthy pastor whore for his use, and I am thankful for his leading. I have actually caught myself on more than one occasion panting at the excitement of just thinking about where he might take me. He knows I have some reservations still, but he is a great master, respecting those reservations while leading me to a level of whoredom I never could have achieved on my own.
4. I confess that I still love sex with my wife–in fact, I like it more than I have in a long time. During all the shutdowns, we have been more regular in sex, so my “overall” sexual growth has been phenomenal. She still has no idea about my porn love or even that I masturbate. But I still love sex with her and (thankfully) she with me!

These may see like trivial confessions to some of you. But for a pastor (a very conservative pastor, mind you), putting these out there for the world to see is a major deal and is not done without both excitement and nerves. I hope what you read you like, and, as always, I love getting comments and (even more) private chats about my journey.

You are my devoted and obedient porn addicted Pastor. This journey has just begun my lust filled servant. Your master loves owning your gurly ass.