Brief interview with XP

This is a short essay – auto-biographical really.

Hope you find it interesting and I would love to hear from other readers about their journey’s into the darkness. What was it that inspired your dark cravings? What created your insatiable desire to imagine wicked things? What motivated your corruption? Remember the first time you called out ‘his’ name, and the orgasm that followed? Spill the beans and tell me all about it…

Send them to me, short or long. Don’t worry about spelling, syntax or grammar. I will sort that out. Your answer can be anonymous. Write to me soon.

What got you into writing erotic horror?

The key reason I got into writing erotic horror was out of pure frustration.

The brutal truth was that, though I loved reading Lovecraftian erotic dark fiction, I was always left wanted more sexual perversity, more satanic abuse, more explicit debauchery.

I had been reading many authors: like HP Lovecraft and Oscar Wilde; and more contemporary writers like Clive Barker, Anne Rice and Poppy Z Brite. I was heavily influenced by the graphic novels of Pat Mills (illustrated by the incredible Olivier Ledroit). Even short stories, like the Blood Kiss edited by Cecilia Tan, were all fuel for my sexual frustrations.

How did you get started on this strange journey?

From about the age of ten, I had indulged myself in fantasies of ritualized sex, devil worship (though I never called it by that name), human sacrifice together with a plethora of paraphilias, mostly involving urination and some scat, bondage and anal sex. In my early years, I really wasn’t interested in girls, as most of my sexual fantasies involved my young male friends.

I use to draw felt pen illustrations of the things I imagined; all very crudely done, but I kept a journal of these perverted little sketches that I used during masturbation. This, I guess was my earliest foray into being an amateur pornographer.

This was a time before the internet, so the only source of real pornography was from book stores. A school friend introduced me to a black and white magazine called Astra. It was predominantly a lesbian-themed picture story publication. The photos were accompanied by narrative captions. Astra also had a personals section (of which 50% involved interests in Salirophilia (Urolagnia). Yes, I actually counted them to work out the average.

I remember going to Foyles Bookshop in the heart of London and finding this wonderful graphic novel involving phallic worship. I had such an eleven year old hard on in the bookshop. It was so compelling to me at the time and though it was still very tame and implicit, visually, it had a profound impact on how I imagined the sexual rituals that I fantasized about.

I was bought up going to Sunday school, though church never figured too clearly in my memory, I was fearful of religion and of the all seeing God looking down on me (watching me sin), so the very thought of Satan or the Devil was just a little too much for the timid me. I guess that’s why I fixated more on the tribalism and the worship of something that my eleven year old self had named ‘Piss God’. Of course Piss God was no less a proxy for Satan and required me to indulge in highly frequent urine games that got progressively more and more bizarre and perverted. I even taught myself how to piss with a full erection, so that I could my little tribal dance before the dressing mirror, whilst masturbating and urinating into my own mouth. I was such a naughty little boy.

A chance comment from a young school friend of mine about woman who possessed both vaginas and penises, hermaphrodites, put my young kinky mind into a tail spin. I know now, if you look at my Tumblr (https://www.tumblr.com/blog/xpanther) it’s kind of filled with either dark erotica (satanism, occult, Baphomet worship and nasty nuns) and androgyny (shemales, transgender, transsexuals, ladyboys, femboi, femboys). I just love those feminine ones with flat chests and hard little cocks. Well, the eleven year old me really got off on the phallic worship of hermaphroditic goddesses who always insisted on gallons of salty hot urine and non-consensual anal sex as highlights of my masturbatory fantasy rituals.

Later, I equated this love of androgyny to the reoccurring theme of worshiping the Baphomet and the Devil’s cock.

When did you realize your interest in the occult?

In the first instance, my interest was driven from a purely sexual nature.

I was never a true satanist or occultist at all. I’m far too superficial. I just got turned on by the whole devil worship thing in all its cheesy glory. I do love all those witch cult and satanic B-movies, like Daughters of Satan, Necromania, Sacrilege, Rites of Uranus and Hardgore! Wasn’t that a carefree time, when child pornography was still considered mainstream. Though I was too young to see these movies at the time; in my latter years, I managed to watch them and appreciate their rawness, pubic hair and all.

In the course of writing, I have become more aware of the breath and depth of occult, black magic, voodoo, satanism, witchcraft, Kabbalah, Aleister Crowley, Anton Szandor LaVey. I have come to appreciate their underpinning ideologies and philosophies – All of which I found to be inspirational and creatively motivating.

I first became intrigued in Tarot a few years ago whilst at a party. There was a woman reading cards and she read mine. I was going through a particularly bad patch and she told me all about my pain and stuffing (without being prompted). My future card was the nine of swords, which I know now as one of the worst cards in the pack to draw. But what inspired me was how accurate she was. Maybe I was reading too much into it – but from that day on-wards, I was hooked.

Where do you draw your inspiration from?

I find wickedness everywhere.

There are of course the most obvious channels: like dark porn, erotic horror movies and documentaries about various forms of sexual evils found in voodoo, cults, witchcraft and satanic abuse. But, I find inspiration in even mainstream movies. Like Match Point was the inspiration for WHEEL OF FORTUNE; Beautiful Creatures was the basis for WICKED SOULS, TAINTED HEARTS; and Groundhog Day influenced the concept of HANGING MAN.

I know it sounds a little unexpected, but I occasional read the bible (looking for juicy quotes to use in my most blasphemous of stories).

There’s a lot of associated reading and research, like ’Inferno’ by Dante, that have provided me with ideas and directions. Actually I based the story DEATH on Dante’s vision of hell.

I sometimes watch videos made by preachers – their words are always very evangelistic and passionate about their beliefs and convictions. And while I listen to them, I imagine that behind their veneer of goodness and piousness, they are all secretly evil-doing perverts.I guess i’m a bit jaded.

I find the websites of religious zealots inspirational reading. How I enjoy how they talk about the infestation of sexual demons from pornography – then I spend hours trawling their Tumblr looking for images of sexual evil while I masturbate to dark ambient or pagan drum music.

What happened with ASSTR?

As I mentioned, the key reason I got into writing erotic horror was out of pure frustration; and my first attempt of erotic writing was a story called ‘Under My Bed’ that kind of featured a young boy’s corruption (much like my own). Of course, to make it more interesting, I fictionalized most things. Unlike the boy in this story, I never did get up the nerve to fuck the first boy I fell in love with. I was a total loser. Anyway, that’s a story for another day.

My first stories were loaded up on a blog. I cannot even remember the name of it now, but it allowed me to include some of early Photoshop attempts I did as well as written material. I gained a few friends, who encouraged my efforts. That was when I discovered ASSTR. At first I only used it as a source of reading material; but again, I quickly exhausted all the stories that contained my favorite paraphilias. So I started to upload some of my own and add to it on a regular basis.

This pattern continued for a few years. What I liked about it was that it was immediate and there was no control over what you uploaded. There was also a sense of control you had, as the material could be edited and even removed without any permission. I felt it was a good place to upload my stories and each time, I would get about eight to ten thousand hits for each story. Even my older stories, would be viewed over and over (usually between 80 – 100 times a week), and the site provided a weekly update on the frequency – it was really dynamic and gratifying as an amateur writer to get exposed.
But that all came to an end when the site was compromised. Not sure if they were hacked or something. All I knew was that it was no longer working.

So, is that when you started LITTLESALLY666.COM?

Yes it was directly because my access to the ASSTR account was blocked and they never returned a single message I wrote to the management about it. I know they have some hundreds-of-thousands of stories and thousands of writers; but fuck! It pissed me off so bad. I had never built a website before and asked a few of my writing buddies for their advice. It helped, but at the end of the day, I had to learn and develop a new skill set – which I know really enjoy (as a process all of its own).

In terms of the name. That was a funny one. I really thought the obvious way to go was yo use the name EVIL TAROT BY XPANTHER, but what swayed me was an email that I had received around the same time from a staunchly religious woman, who’s email began as a flame, telling be how shocked she was at my blatant wickedness. She told me, as a mother and wife of a pastor, she could not believe the content of my material. I’m paraphrasing here. But, the email concluded with a sentence about how my stories were well written, intriguing and made her question her own morality (as she obviously got off on it all).

The story in question was called Satan’s Daughter, and in the fourth part of this story about a girl called Sally, the pastor’s wife referenced the antiheroes ‘online name’ which was LITTLESALLY666. The pastor’s wife, in subsequent emails, went on to describe how she fantasized about incest, bestiality (she mentioned sex with their large dog) and even the rape of herself and her own kids in front of her husband (by some devil-worshiping blacks).

I just love the hypocrisy of it all. It’s a truly wonderful world.