A Positive Learning Experience – Non-Fiction

A Positive Learning Experience

“My oldest teen babysits and has several families who call her all the time. She has babysat for three or four of them for some time. She also babysits for two single moms … When she stays late we are always told in advance and there have been times when she has stayed overnight with our approval because we know the family and they are in the community … (and she or he goes on to share some of those situations). Often we are asleep when she comes home but usually I am awake …

“The other night I noticed when my daughter returned she didn’t get out of the car immediately so I slipped out and watched what was happening in the car where I saw my daughter laugh and begin playing with our neighbor’s cock and then give him a blowjob … I am sure many parents would say they would immediately intervene but I didn’t.

“Why? I know how I was when I was a teen and babysat and I knew that all that would happen would be a traumatic experience for everyone and what would I do? Yell at my daughter? Call the police? Wake up my spouse and create more problems?

“And more … What I did was actually take a few moments to watch and make sure she wasn’t being compelled (which she wasn’t). I went back the way I came. When she walked into the house,  I was sitting in the kitchen. I called her over and asked how things went. She was nervous but said okay. I followed her to her bedroom where I told her I had seen what had happened. I wasn’t angry. I could tell she was waiting for what I would say next. When she realized I was listening she told me everything … (and gives some details, enough to know that her daughter is sexually active just as I was when I was her age) …”

The above is an excerpt from a message which resulted in an old article which I have edited here because I have received a similar question from a different mom who shares she had read some of my articles. Without providing titillating details,  the topic is enough to tickle many a porn bone,  since my two cents worth is what one reads below, I believe it is sufficient.

What this mom  wanted me to do was affirm that she had done the right thing with her daughter since she had read my articles about how I related to my daughter when it came to things feminine, sensual and sexual. In a separate private message I told her that she had done what she believed was best considering the situation and her daughter and the realities of life.   Who is to condemn her for her advice given in a private moment to be known by no one except her and her daughter.

This happens all the time. Unfortunately, I know of too many situations where Xian moms are too busy applying their Xian standard to their kids’ sexual behavior and creating more problems not just for her and her daughter and their relationship, but to how mom and daughter deals with real life issues where a strict Xian standard is imposed which only creates more problems and secrets from one another instead of confidential discussions with each other where issues be talked about between the two and the opportunity can be a learning experience.

My advice in situations like this one is that you can’t be there with your daughter in every situation, you are going to have to trust her at some point and you can’t be angry when you discover she may be doing something you yourself did when you were her age. Mom does need to be there to say, “No,” at times but you shouldn’t do that so often that, “No,” is going to be assumed as the answer. Daughters need know that, “No,” is a viable answer but she should feel free to be the one to, “Ask,” for the, “No,” and many girls do by their actions. There are times when a firm “No” is what she wants.

What needs to happen is that there should be many more, “Yeses,” or let her make her own choices even if you want to be the one to be there and do it for her. I like to use a phrase I remember from college which stood out to me in a modern history course involving the Cold War when missile treaties were discussed. “Trust and Verify” was the phrase I remember and that is how I think moms of teen daughters (and boys too but I don’t have a son or sons) should deal with their girls.

I can be apprehensive so together she and I work out strategies that address both of our concerns. For example, she has a cell phone, times she is expected to call, and if she needs to come home she won’t be in trouble with me. She also has code words she uses to tell me if there is a problem, she feels uncomfortable and wants me to come get her, etc. It’s all in how you work it out with her. Yes, I know that, “Verify,” is used as defined in the dictionary but the phrase was catchy and, really means, I take time to follow up and talk to and communicate with my daughter even if it is only a thumbs up or a facial expression or by body language.

What has to happen to make this work is there has to be an openness and mom needs to understand her little girl is growing up and  is becoming her own person. When it comes to sex every mom, ‘Plays her hand,” in her own way so I have no, “Applies to all situations,” advice because everyone’s domestic situation, personal relationships and personal problems can be different. I trust my daughter and follow up by talking to her afterward or possibly calling her during the event where she is not afraid to answer the phone and I know within a minute if all is okay or I need to come.

What do you do as a mom in situations similar to this? In my case you have to be truly open about things sexual and this is not the usual situation with today’s parents who take the attitude, “I don’t want to know,” even as they wish they knew and sometimes become aroused and even masturbate thinking about it. Are you shocked at how I ended the sentence? Don’t be because it happens, we women aren’t going to admit it. Whatever, your response to a situation similar is up to the mom but the focus should be to see yourself in her situation and make your time with her a meaningful learning moment,

Since this is me writing to myself,  I am going to take a leap and share that it is not wrong to fantasize  about what is happening to your daughter when she is babysitting. Many do it. Dads do all the time and moms more than we want to admit … Why? Because we’re women and we went through  life as younger girls growing up. Whatever happens, mom needs to make sure whatever happens ends on a positive note. The reason  I was messaged by this mom who shares that she and her husband fantasize and tiptoe through Tumblr was because she had read many of my articles but never given them serious thought … until now.