The Struggle by TheGospelOfDesire

Writer: TheGospelOfDesire

Subject: The Struggle

Link: Tumblr / 22.05.2026

The Struggle

Some people live entire lives behind a version of themselves built for survival. Maybe you’re struggling with your sexual identity. Maybe you are deeply masculine in some ways yet drawn toward wearing feminine clothing. Maybe there are desires, expressions, or truths within you that you’ve buried because you fear what people will think if they ever see them.

I understand that fear. For years, I lived divided between who I was and who I thought I needed to be to be loved, respected, and accepted. What I eventually realized is this — any relationship that depends on your self-denial is not a real relationship. It is an agreement built around performance. Authenticity has a cost. Sometimes people leave. Sometimes entire identities collapse. But there is also freedom in finally becoming honest. For me, this happened in stages.

First, I embraced Satan and committed myself to him (although I do not think of him with a gender). I walked away from the evangelical belief system that taught me to fear myself and suppress what I felt. Rejecting that worldview was the first crack in the false identity I had built.

Then came the harder part: Actually discovering who I was underneath all the shame, repression, and performance — and slowly allowing the people around me to see that person honestly. That journey is still unfolding. But I would rather lose relationships while living truthfully than spend the rest of my life loved for someone I was pretending to be.