Prologue:

A lifelong collector of goods and objects from far and wide has passed and left the entire collection and the business built around them to the only remaining relative, a niece on a career path of her own. Vikki has taken on the task of administering the estate and liquidating the business and collection. However, she has come to find out that many of the goods have been cursed or enchanted with amorous powers that affect those who encounter them. These are the stories of some of those encounters with objects found at Amorous Goods.

*** 3 days ago- Boston suburb of Dorchester

The second worse day of John’s life had occurred about a month ago when his penis had turned itself around in the shower one morning and started talking to him using the external urethral opening at the end of his penis as a mouth.

“John, I’m not going to suck myself.” John’s penis said. “Either you’re gonna start finding some women to do it or you will need to learn yoga so you can do it yourself.”

“What the hell!!!” John had screamed.

“Hell is right John, a demon from Hell has possessed your dick. Deal with it.” John’s penis said.

John had hoped that within a few days the situation would fix itself. He hated going to doctors and this seemed like a medical problem he really didn’t want to deal with.

The worse day of John’s life was occurring now. Twenty minutes into his Zoom meeting with his corporate headquarters in England and clients in Germany, with over 40 people viewing him on video, his possessed dick had somehow taken over his body.

The demon had forced him to stand bolt upright, work his possessed dick out of his underpants, got his possessed dick to lower his fly from the inside of his pants. Once out, his dick had waved back and forth while it screamed prophesies of the end of the world in English and German at the terrified business people. After nearly five minutes jets of fire had started rocketing from his possessed dick like a mini flame thrower in his pants, setting his work station ablaze.

“Sorry everyone, I think I might be coming down with COVID.” John yelled, trying to talk over his dick as it harangued the business people in German with what sounded like a speech from Hitler.

“You need to let the church cut it off and burn it on a pyre of blessed logs.” One of the Germans said. “It’s the only way to…”

Thankfully at that point he was dropped from the call.

As John worked the fire extinguisher to put out his burning desk he said out loud “Aw man, if this continues I might really have to think about seeing a doctor.”

*** 2 days ago- Old South Church, Boston Back Bay district

John had decided to work from his office instead of staying home on covid quarantine. He felt that if his dick was going to start fires it was better to away from his own personal possessions. John had planned on walked to the Boston library from his office on his lunch break. His goal was to find some books that might explain how he could get rid of his dick demon. On the way he had spotted Old South Church. Nearly 150 years old, the Northern Italian Gothic style Church had served generations of Bostonians religious needs. He decided to stop there first as it was on the way.

“Can I help you?” A church employee asked as John entered the holy edifice. Smoke had started rising out of his pants as soon as he had stepped onto the holy ground around the church.

“Nah, I’m good.” John said as he quickly walked around the man and made his way to the stone basin in the corner of the room along the wall. “I’m just going to stick my dick in the holy water.”

“Stop, what are you doing?” an older woman yelled as she came running up to him. “There’s a wedding in progress!”

“Chill out, my dick got possessed.” John explained. “I’m going to drowned it in holy water. I don’t have time for this today; I have to get back to the office.”

John stripped his pants and underwear off and tried to get his genitals into the basin. The basin was deep and set against the wall so try as he might, he could not get his possessed dick into the water. Finally, he settled on dipping his underwear into the water like a sponge then rubbing the wet material against his bloated and turgid member.

His dick responded by shrieking, squealing, and making other high pitched noises like a three month old baby getting it’s nails clipped before shooting more jets of fire into the pews. “I object to your wedding. I object to your happiness.” His dick yelled before screaming at the horrified wedding guests in German.

“You ruined my daughter’s wedding you stupid freak.” The older woman started crying while she directed terrified wedding guests from the burning church. “Why didn’t you cut your possessed wiener off and burn it on a pyre of blessed logs like a normal person; instead of ruining everything for everyone. I’m calling the Holy Inquisition; I hope they kick your ass.”

John quickly made his escape, dashing into a crowd of people near the fire trucks that had arrived to fight the blazing holy building.

*** Yesterday- Dagon church in the Boston Downtown Crossing district

“Father Dagon cannot help you, Jesus cannot help you.” The old priest warned. “It is said in the holy bible, ‘I have been expelled from Your sight. Nevertheless I will look again toward Your holy temple’. You have been banished from the eyes of the gods for your sins.”

“What sins?” John whined. “I called every church in Boston and all of them hung up on me. You burn one church down and are wanted by the Holy Inquisition and suddenly no one wants to help you. It’s total bullshit.”

“I will tell you of your sins again god, but first you need to give god’s messenger money.” The old priest nodded sagely, “We don’t take credit card anymore.”

John quickly handed the priest the $3,000 they had demanded over the phone.

“On talk like a pirate day, back on September 19th, do you remember what you did, it was a Saturday.”

“Yeah, I went with my buddy Gary to the bar for his birthday. We got totally drunk, it was a great time.”

“Do you remember your blasphemy against the image of the holy spirit?”

“What are you talking about, I went to the bar. I got a little drunk, that’s it.”

“And there you pissed on a plate of spaghetti, the holy symbol of the holy spirit in his guise as the flying spaghetti monster, on his most holy day.”

“What!?! I was drunk, there was a line for the bathroom. Someone had ordered spaghetti, it was on the table. Yes, I pissed on it, it was funny.”

“You think blaspheming god is funny?”

“It was meant as a joke, it was funny.”

Well, god didn’t find your little joke funny and removed your penis from his sight. Now, it’s possessed by demons. The way I see it, you have two options. You can have the Catholic Church amputate your possessed penis and burn it to ash on a pyre of blessed logs. It’s outpatient surgery. It’s covered by most insurance plans, your only out of pocket would be the $15 copay.”

“I’m not paying someone $15 to cut my dick off.” John angrily demanded. “What’s my other option? And it better be fucking good cause I paid you $3,000.”

The priest chuckled. “The other option is Amorous Goods. I talked to them this morning. They agreed to help in exchange for your Bentley. Please bring the title to your car with you tomorrow. Your appointment is at 9am. Be prompt. Here’s the address.”

“They want my car, forget that.” John hissed. “Hey, what’s that singing?”

The priest motioned John to the church window overlooking the parking lot. Outside a dozen white panel vans had stopped in the lot. Dozens of nuns of the Holy Inquisition spilled forth. Their black and white head to toe habits hiding their faces as they slowly moved in to surround the building. Singing hymns in praise of god, the butts of their M-16s against their shoulders as they leveled the guns at the church.

“Oh shit.” John’s penis whimpered fearfully. “It’s pirates, don’t let them get me!”

The Pastafarians had sent in their paladins as well, holy members of the crimson corsairs of the flying spaghetti monster. One of their members pointed to the window John was looking out of. Her dark pirate overbust corset, red skirt, and knee high black leather pirate boots highlighted her figure as she raised her pirate sword and let out a mighty battle cry.

“You no longer have a car.” The priest continued chuckling. “Now run.”

*** Today- Abandon warehouse near Amorous Goods on the outskirts of Boston

“Hi, you must be John, I’m Vicky, and this is Amy.” Vicky greeted John as he walked in the door to the abandon warehouse. “Don’t worry, Amy’s not with the Holy Inquisition. Now please hand over the title to your car and we can get started.”

Handing Vicky the title to his car John asked. “What are you going to do to me? Who are you? Who’s Amy?”

“Yes, let’s do a question and answer session. I’m sure the Holy Inquisition will wait around while we address all your concerns.” Amy rolled her eyes and snarked. “Okay, a few weeks ago I slipped this really cute guy in my yoga class a love potion. He was married but I thought he would be much happier with me than his wife. He was cute, well hung, rich, the usual. Turned out his wife was a witch. This bitch’s witches coven found me guilty of maleficium, cursed me, and so now my pussy is a gateway to hell.”

“Why are you dressed like a nun?” John asked.

Amy did a full turn. Her faux leather vinyl sexy nun costume was skin tight on her firm 5’6″ athletic figure. Her blue and black hair shoulder length hair back in a bun under her habit. “It pisses the demons in my pussy off, plus I love how it makes my ass look. Why are you dressed like a nun?”

“My dick demon set my pants on fire again, then I had to beat up these nuns with the Inquisition. Then I stole one of their outfits. Last night was a long night.” John sighed.

“Okay you two. I’m a small business owner and my dead uncle was a wizard so I know what I am doing.” Vicky broke in addressing the two possessed people.

“What needs to happen is you need to ejaculate your wiener demon into the vortex to hell in your pussy. Please get inside the faraday cage.” Vicky hoped this would work this time and the two test subjects would not explode but didn’t want to mention to them what had happened to the last two possessed people she had tried helping.

“What? All I needed to do is have sex with this whore and the demon would be gone.” John whined.

“I’m not a whore, I’m a yoga instructor, bartender, and teacher martial arts.” Amy responded. “What do you do, mug nuns for a living.”

“I work in corporate finance, I’ll be senior desk for capital structuring and investment decisions within two years.” John bragged.

“Okay, well, you want me to be a whore huh, okay then, that’s a Neiman Marcus watch. Give me your watch.” Amy said with a huge grin on her face. “If you don’t then let’s see how much you like it when the Holy Inquisition cuts your dick off. And get out of that outfit, let me see what you got.”

“My watch cost $15,000. I’m not just going…” John started while stripping off the nun’s habit he was wearing.

“No, my watch cost $15,000, now take it and your clothes off and get in that cage.” Amy said with an angry smile, her nostrils flared out with her barely concealed rage. She was secretly happy with the turn of events. On the downside she was going to be having sex with a crossdressing weirdo five minutes after meeting him on a ratty, piss-stained mattress in some cage in an abandon building but with COVID she had learned to take what she could get when she could get it. On the plus side, he was well muscled and a dongoloid Ryan Reynolds look-a-like, not really much chest hair but nice abs.

As she crawled in after him she grabbed his scrotum and gave it a playful tug. She smiled a little when he screamed and tried to pull away.

“Do you watch Parks and Recreation?” John asked. “You have a weird awkward vibe about you, like Aubrey Plaza.”

“Well thanks, that’s what I was going for, awkward slutty nun. Yeah, she’s my favorite on that show. I like her better than Ron Swanson.” Amy said, giving John her best weird girl stare.

“I have her movie Life after Beth on DVD, I mean my place got shot up pretty bad by nuns last night, but it should be alright if you wanted to come over and watch it.” John started blushing as he asked Amy out.

“It’s a hilarious zombie movie.” John’s penis said.

“Yeah as soon as we’re done fucking in this cage I would like that. I love horror movies.” Amy smiled back. “Plus, I don’t have sex till the third date so you owe me three retroactive dates.”

Amy lay on her back on the mattress and John pushed her nun mini skirt up before he slipped his head between her legs. His tongue found her clit and he started licking it in a capital T motion. As she became wet he moved his hand to slip a finger into her. As he did so the gateway to hell inside her pussy opened and the sound of a lighthouse fog horn rang out from between her vaginal lips temporary dazing him with its loud blast.

Amy immediately rolled him over and mounted him. His thick member slid into her, filling her. When his penis demon tried squirting fire, the flames passed harmlessly into the vast chasm of the hell vortex. She grabbed his hand and worked her clit as she bounced on his member. His girth was large but not unpleasantly painful to her delicate slit. Lighting started shooting off the pair as their climax drew near. The hell vortex vibrated wildly as the demon was slowly sucked from John’s penis. Amy felt like she was masturbating with a large dildo in her slit and her vibrator set to maximum near her clit.

Suddenly John rolled himself back on top of her. Pinning her to the mattress with his larger frame, he started thrusting into her with strong powerful movements, timing himself perfectly with her wildly bucking hips. She could feel his scrotum, the scrotum she had be playfully tugging only minutes before, slapping against her ass as she wrapped her legs around his hips.

Finally, the demon slipped from John’s penis into the hell vortex and he came hard spraying his hot cum deep inside her. Amy felt the warmth soak over her like she had dunked her head under water during a bubble bath at the perfect temperature. The orgasm that followed knocked the breath out of her. As she came to she saw stars in front of her eyes and realized she had left bloody scratch marks down John’s chest and back. She wanted to apologize but was to out of breath to form words. Finally she got enough strength to roll on to her side only to be hit with another wave of orgasmic bliss, sending her into another round of mini convulsions.

Finally John wrapped her in his nun outfit and gently carried her from the cage.

“Okay you two.” Vicky said. “Here’s a pair of magic anti-demon rings, each of you need to wear one and have sex with each other once or twice a week for the next month. That should be enough time for the hell gate to permanently close with the demon firmly trapped within.”

“Amy, I know that must have been so hard for you, the rest of the times will likely be just as intense just minus the lightning bolts shooting out of your asses. If you need to back out, we will come up with a plan B.” Vicky explained, rubbing her hand over the exhausted woman’s forehead.

“Once or twice a day.” Amy weary replied. “We will be doing that at least once or twice a day. How long till the pussy gate closes for good and that never happens again?”

Vicky was unsure if she should respond. Finally she explained “You two are kind of soul locked, that will always happen if you have sex with him. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” Amy gasped, still fighting to get her breath back.

Epilogue- Old South Church, Boston Back Bay district

Two years had passed since John and Amy had met. The anti-demon rings had been replaced with engagement rings. The wedding had to be kept small thanks in part to the COVID vaccine causing the occasional uncontrollable diarrhea rage zombie outbreaks.

The wedding had gotten almost half way done when a naked man kicked in the door. He ran to the basin of holy water and tried to stick his penis in. His penis shrieked in panic, then started singing the greatest disco hits from the 70’s while spraying fire into the pews.

The two love birds were able to say “I do.” before the smoke forced them to flee the building. John was able to slip a business card for Amorous Goods into the naked man’s hand as he ran pass, dozens of pirates and nuns in hot pursuit.

THE END